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If You Go… August 27, 2007

Posted by sariayamencius in structure of love.

Life is not always fair. You get only what comes along the way and the capacity to choose between your options is also quite limited. Given the resources available, i hope that at the end of it all, you will never regret the decision you made to want to spend the rest of your life with me.

What happened last night was another of those times when our minds don’t seem to meet. You were trying to communicate with me like mature adults do, but hey i am stuck in the extreme desire to just cuddle you and tell you how much you are missed.

I knew you were aware of the way i was staring at you last night and though you were not comfortable with it, it was the closest i could get to being with you.

For those times when i have been such a pain in the ass, i am really sorry. It is not intended to hurt you. It is the only way i know how to tell you that sometimes i also want to be taken care of in the way only i can understand.

A lot of times you have thought of leaving and for all those times i begged you to stay and you did. A week ago, you decided that you needed space and i got in the way… lucky me, you stayed and we are happy again.

We are journeying through a roller coaster of emotions and i am so happy that you can just be yourself while i have to hide behind the face of someone in control when i know that i cannot dictate everything unto myself.

Last night, i was staring at you because i wanted to preserve that moment in my mind. I want to close my eyes and see the way you are lying there, so close yet so far.

When the day comes that you decide that it is finally over, i will have to let you go. Because maybe, just maybe there is someone else out there who can love you more than i could ever do.

It has always been my threat that i am going to kill myself if you leave… but last night i realized that i cannot be so selfish as to tie you to my heart when you want to be set free.

My heart is bleeding, just thinking about a life without you… but if you go, i will try to be alive and be happy for the marvelous decision that you have made.


the price i had to pay for an engagement ring August 13, 2007

Posted by sariayamencius in structure of love.

My Fiance out of his good heart gave me a diamond engagement ring and asked for my hand in marriage. It was the happiest day of my life and i felt like flying in the clouds that day.

I have vowed to wear my ring through all of eternity and to live, die and be buried with it. When i look at my ring that sits so beautifully on my finger, i remember the eternal promises of love that came with it.

Then came the part where i had to pay the price.  Commitment is not after all a reward you get for loving someone. It feels like a death sentence that strips you out of all the sanity that is ever left of your soul.

I am aching for the love and the appreciation i so deserve. Sacrificing my personal happiness for the comfort of the ones i love has been so easy all these years and it is true, there comes a time when you can no longer give anymore of yourself.

Today i shed bitter tears… which he will never get to see. For him i shall remain to be a faithful servant that provides all his needs and at the end of it all, the fruit of my labor i shall never taste.

But that is okay… there are other people out there who will love me just for what i am and appreciate the person that is inside me.

I don’t ask for the applause and the gratitude, but the last thing i would want to hear and know is that the people i sacrifice for are not happy with what i do for them.

But no matter how expensive the price i must pay, i shall remain forever faithful and committed to the promise that this ring holds in my life. Who knows, someday i too may be loved and cared for more than i could ever expect…

i am pregnant August 13, 2007

Posted by sariayamencius in the birds and the bees.
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It has been said across many cultures and languages that the woman is at her most beautiful at the time when she is heavy with her pregnancy and that when she gives birth, she fully becomes a woman.

In a month, i shall be married to the man i love the most and with whom i vow to profess my eternal love.  In a month, i shall be free and unafraid to show off a big belly.

There are so many things i have done in life that i am never afraid of, but pregnancy outside of marriage scares me like crazy.

Somehow, at the end of the day, i still want to walk down the aisle in my immaculate white gown and show off my self to the world and be a shining example to the other unmarried girls who will be there to watch and grace the occassion.

Above all, i want to be able to someday teach my daughter a lesson without telling her to learn from my mistake.

I know pregnancy and babies are a gift from God, but when i do get pregnant, i want to be able to share the joy and excitement with the world.

Do you think i am still rational or am i just in denial?